awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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