arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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