When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
