textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
True strength comes from lack of pants
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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