Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
