ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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