Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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