So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
