I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
