Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
