she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
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