First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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