Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
