I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
