I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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