I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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