no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
it's not cheating when I paid for it
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
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