I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
