Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Randomize
