if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Randomize
