have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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