Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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