can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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