I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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