I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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