I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
