i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
