Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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