there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
It was a blind-side dick pic.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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