Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
