Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
