i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
