i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
