Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
