I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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