Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
