So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Randomize
