Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
We are two peas in an std pod
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
