Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
