I could make wine with my vomit
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
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I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
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You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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