Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
