Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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