Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
