you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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