she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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