I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
