I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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