As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
