i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
