apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank