my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
