So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
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