Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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