There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
fuck your aforementioned shoe
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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