u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
