Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
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